Until then it was!

One positive I can say that has evolved from our time with covid is that it’s literally forced us into our space much more than we had previously been. To BE in the space is so vastly different than just living in the space.

It was during this time we were preparing to move into our new bedroom. I am so grateful I took the time to research Feng Shui. It really is fascinating how energy works with all things in our home, not just people!

During the past two years we also experienced a near tragedy in our life. So truly grateful that my husband truly had an angel watching over him, his mom ❤. This experience was also, I really do not have the words to describe the feeling. Utter and complete loss of control, living in unknown, broken trust with medical professionals, sinking back to the what if’s, even though I know the worst didn’t happen.

We have strengthened. For my husband, both physically and mentally and myself mentally, and now physically.

It was a journey. In so many ways. One of the best though, was falling back in love with our home, with each other and most importantly, with myself.

Being a mother, it’s the best thing I could ever ask for, I love our kids so much and am so grateful, they both truly are gifts with very real purpose for being here! It’s also friggin hard sometimes. Honestly not even talking about lately at all, I truly feel like moms can get themselves into such a “routine” it can almost become robotic. And as each day passes, a little bit more emotion drops, feeling a bit more stress, that pain now in my hip, prob from carrying one or both of the kids. In a sense almost numb.

I put my kids, husband and house first because that’s what I thought a good wife and mom did. I put so much pressure on myself that one day, I literally said fuck it I can’t do this.

I began telling the kids mommy needs some quiet time, they and my husband would respect it. I was honest with my husband and kids and said I cannot do this, I had put a completely unrealistic expectation on myself. They happily helped out. That memory is so clear in my mind and goodness it was a while ago!

My kids completely understand and respect that when mom gets home, if she says she has “a call”, yup its probably with an energy worker, oils or a coach, and my time is respected. I am so grateful. But this is where communication is key!!!

I am the type of person and parent who doesn’t like saying “because I said so”, it’s just so gross and inauthentic – to me! I explain with reasons or ask questions, asking why over and over, from a toddler yes can be oddly annoying, however as an adult, think of the journey it takes your mind on… now go back to the toddler! Their developing brains, such a crucial time.

A small act, but empowering children at a young age, no shame, only corrections, healthy lifestyle with real food. Also responsibilities. I saw a mom had helped their kids set up a little kitchen with their dishes in it, seriously genius! One day I can see that lifestyle as being the norm. The “junk food” cleaned up, cause it totally can be! Healthy being the new norm instead of seen as a “fad”!

Not just empowering our kids in their childhood, but preparing them for future while also helping repair broken parts of ourselves.

Our children have truly been the best teachers of my life.

This evening I was reminded of how important it is to allow our bodies to feel and process emotions so they do not become trapped. I enjoyed a distant body talk session with Joanne Wilhelm. It’s challenging to describe, you honestly have to experience a session. One example is my right shoulder/collar bone has been a challenge for me since last May. I remember exactly when… it was that month my husband was told the intense extreme pain he was feeling was from “over doing it” and to take anti-inflammatories. This is where my intuition kicked in and went into high gear that something was seriously wrong. A week later they called to say not only was the metal broken in his leg, but the bone had shifted as well. He was literally walking on a broken bone… that he was prescribed anti-inflammatories for (and didn’t take because we aren’t stupid – I made an appt with the surgeon) and was told he was “fine”.

As Joanne was working with my energy, first off it felt incredible, she picked up on things that I hadn’t told her. It was really shifting and during the session I could begin to feel my shoulder letting go… after months!

This happened in May when we not only found out his leg was broke again, he had a 2nd surgery and then we found out it had an infection, which then meant the 2nd surgery was a temporary surgery and after 6-8 weeks of antibiotics he would have a 3rd surgery and hope for the best. I can literally feel how my body trapped that in my nerve should injury. I can feel how those emotions of worry, intimidation, even fear were coming up in very big ways.

I had to be very strong. Like stronger than I had ever been. I was living in unknown and kept having flash backs to when my brother fell many years ago. I was determined WE would do this together. WE would heal together. I was hurting in a big way, but couldn’t admit it, my pain was “nothing” compared to what my husband had just experienced. I couldn’t possibly put how I feel and my emotions on him. So I didn’t. I held them in so many times. I felt horribly overwhelmed, many days so fucking sad. But I had to hold it together for him and the kids. Again, putting Pam last.

Until I couldn’t anymore. It was about 2 days of just not being happy. Feeling so stressed and miserable and not knowing what to do. The tension between us wasn’t good, which made me feel worse because of the state he was in. I felt us tearing apart, sadly like many years before. Even things I thought we had healed from, began surfacing and well life just sucked for a bit. I had to keep going, it was my “job”. Enter in… resentment. It just wasn’t fun.

Until then it was!

I remembered how I felt when I wasn’t feeling well. When my health wasn’t good. Also when I felt very alone. I was beginning to feel that way again, as a caregiver and parent simultaneously.

So I was honest. I told him how I was feeling. It was so hard for both of us. I communicated how I was feeling. Not how I thought anything should be done. I stepped totally back and went based on feelings. There were evenings dishes didn’t get done and we literally had toast for dinner, that’s ok that’s what was needed in that moment. We began to strengthen, individually and also as a couple! We began to laugh, at some of the stupidest stuff. We had fun. Like a lot of fun. It felt good. We had fun together, with our kids and loved ones. We have been reminded the importance of ensuring our mental health individually and as a couple comes before anyone else. Not to say I don’t care about anyone else, it’s knowing (now) when to express concern and then accept that the absolute only thing or person you can control, is you, so make you as best you can be! Like a match, you light one in a group and they will all begin to light up!

When Joanne spoke, her energy reflected our shift, in both of us individually and together as a couple. We had previously seen Joanne in person for his leg, after the 3rd surgery. It was incredible to be a part of his healing circle. The challenge and then transition and growth to come out on the other side.

I am so truly grateful as honestly, one thing we have learned these past couple years, but year and a half specifically is that where focus goes, energy flows. If you focus on negatives, well in my case this is what happened. I remember it clear as day now. I was working out with weights in my office and I felt the pain. I was so frustrated and mad that I wanted to work out and of course now I couldn’t even do that… loss of control, unsupported. Joanne also picked up on a challenge at work, with electronics, which has also been real and frustrating. Feeding into the trapped emotions!

Energy work is truly so fascinating and since my husband’s 3rd surgery in August well its been a primary care option! For both of us!!! Truly grateful I leaned into my intuition when it told me to reach out to Joanne for a body talk session! Already beginning to feel more in alignment. I could feel more blood and energy flowing into my shoulder. Grateful! 🙏💫