That was my energy tonight.
Literal full stop. Even after getting reassuring news. But honestly I think that is exactly what it was.
It’s 630pm and I am in bed writing.
I have debated back and forth, how much do I share of my “real life”, is it really anyone elses business. Technically no. Full stop there. However, I think of my own healing journey. I used to read a LOT of blogs, before social media took over. Yes like literal take over. Which is why I am choosing to write here. Go back to my roots, I began a blog for ME! For my mental health because I had found so much support myself through other people’s real life stories as well! SO… for my healing and whoever this may help in the future, we’ve got this!
Last week my husband lost his balance and went forward on his bad ankle. A movement that his foot has not done in a very long time. Over extending up onto his toes. Instant pain and he heard something. When he called me, he didn’t have to say a word, I knew something happened. We got to the local hospital and I am grateful they honored what every patient deserves, to have a loved one present with them. He respectively told them he couldn’t even think straight and he needed his wife by his side. Truthfully I was feeling like I could loose it at any second but I HAD to hold myself together for him. Unfortunately we have not had the greatest of experiences during his healing journey with modern medicine and I’ve had my own many challenges in the past.
After his leg/ankle broke back in May and he was told by a doctor he was “doing too much and to go home, take these anti-inflammatories and take it easy”. He walked on a broken leg, thinking he was going crazy due to all the pain… for a WEEK! A fucking week. He received a call exactly a week later, our family doctor following up to ensure someone had called us and followed up from the hospital. You can imagine our reaction. He has most definitely been affected, but speaking for myself this has been emotionally very traumatic for me.
Yesterday, he was told by the clinic that the fractures still haven’t healed yet and he would have to follow up with his surgeon. They didn’t say or elaborate anymore?! So I called this morning, 1 to make sure they DID send the records to the surgeon (previous had not been) and 2 to ask WHERE the fractures were. Oh my does this medical system in Canada need work and a lot of it. When I asked where I was told they could not say. But yet 24 hours prior they DID say and had us completely stressed the fuck out! OK… that’s not me being out of line in ANY way, that’s what empowered health care is, asking questions to find out answers. I also get that they couldn’t say because the specialist is the one who should communicate. Yes, once they forwarded forwarded records, only after that could he communicate the results, so in saying that what was said yesterday should not have been as it added alot of stress.
Thankfully his surgeon is amazing. Very diligent and so kind. He knew it was that statement that had us very concerned. Good lord it’s been 15+ loathesome months at times with so many ups and downs. Just making progress and hit rod blocks. Thankfully, he has been so cautious, this last week was such a fluke, but man scary also.
I felt myself sinking. It was very real for me that this was hitting me much quicker. I tried to “be strong” and not show him my frustration, sadness and anger at the situation. Hiding away and pushing feelings deep down is NOT the answer. Omg that is the worst thing we could do to ourselves. My appetite is non-existant. I never not been hydrating properly. I’m feeling it.
I broke earlier this week in front of him. Even though I was encouraging him to feel the emotions, cry and let it out. IT FEELS SO MUCH BETTER!
This evening, got home from work, organized our freezer – Seriously this just excites me so much to have an upright freezer that I can organize and know what we have!!! Plus it’s closer to the kitchen, yup may sound weird but way easier in my brain to meal plan. When I am in the kitchen and think of dinner for another night, literally walk through the laundry mud room and around the corner.
It was during dinner it hit me. I was done. I needed to go lay down and do nothing. I heard the words FULL STOP!
I honored it, as I felt the inspiration to share. I truly believe that we can all learn from each other. There is true healing in learning to navigate our own emotional and physical health at home first and by using methods which are beneficial to the Healing path as well that is required. By first honoring ourselves. First, before anyone else. For years I used to feel guilty, I’m mom I have to do it all. That was the expectation I put on myself. I was very much living in my more masculine energy, I can clearly see that now. I can also clearly see the timeline of when I disconnected over and over again from my feminine energy in my teens and also, especially actually when we were trying to start a family, when I was 23. I was “doing” and was neglecting the part of me that just wanted to “BE” 🙏❤!
It’s been at times a heavy road of healing through life, but my goodness this shift has clearly happened for a reason, at times very fucked up, especially when we add in what we in Ontario and much of the world have been living in these past 2 years 😳!
So, full stop. It’s now ME time. Oh damn, after I deal with my laundry… haha should I be honest I’m pretty much out of underwear so it had to happen today, energy level or not. I’ve also learned in life, if it doesn’t feel good to me, it doesn’t matter to anyone else or what, where, etc, thats a full stop too. Clothes don’t fit or feel good, done take to consignment or donate. Actually, another good full stop story… my fav this week is our freezer! We have had a small chest freezer for the past 10 years along with the fridge freezer section. The one day I brought home our freezer pack order from the butcher and I had enough of trying to keep this small chest freezer organized, we never knew what we actually had and I truthfully hate wasting food, like with a passion. So… bought an upright freezer and I just love it so much! How amazing to look in a SEE and KNOW what we have! Anything to make meal planning simpler for me is amazing!
Full stop to bring myself to a slower paced mindset. To literally allow my brain to slow down, I find writing so therapeutic and as I mentioned, I used to love reading blogs. Those were the days before the social media takeover. Do you remember back then?