Is This Real?

Yes, this is very real. It’s our current normal.

Ive been getting much better at handling this emotionally. As hard as it can feel some days.

I welcome the break, the free time in the evenings and weekends to get things done at home and relax.

This has felt more surreal than real life. For the most part, being at home and work and no where in between isn’t out of the norm for me. Thats what would have happened at this time of year with hockey and skating coming to an end. But this was completely not by choice and not within our control.

We have had more “time” on the weekends at home, which has been beautiful. However I have also recognized that I certainly have been having some slower mornings on the weekend and just need time to just be – which is completely ok! Saturday’s are better than Sunday’s for sure. Sunday is typically when Ive been grocery shopping. Purposely avoiding the rush of Saturday. The online grocery orders now more than a 1.5 weeks away.

Ive had my moments, little spurts of energy to get stuff done. Ive been getting really good at keeping the kitchen cleaner. My kids are comfortable being in the kitchen, which does also result in more dishes. However they are cooking themselves food, with healthy options so its all ok.

Then Ive had my sinking moments. Ironically, perhaps not, its when I have to go out in public. And not because I am afraid I will get sick. I am being realistic, I understand how serious this is, I have loved ones who are considered high risk. What freaks me out is now what we are currently living in. Let me be completely honest though, I love my personal space. Space is one reason we have two new home additions, not to fill with more things, literally for more space. So when I say the distancing is something that pulls on me, its because we must stay at a distance, for our health and safety as well as everyone elses. Seeing people distancing, physically wearing masks and gloves. I feel completely safe in my home and at our office. When I am out, I do not feel that same “safe”. Because of the visual triggers. Which at this time are important in the control of this pandemic. This I understand and respect.

Not that long ago we took advantage of being able to just run into the grocery store to grab a few things on the way home from work, perhaps meeting your spouse there after work to figure out dinner together, walking the town streets during ladies night browsing in all the windows that were lit up and the stores with shoppers, our kids with friends at the hockey games and skating, cheering on our local sports, enjoying a meal out, hair, lash and nail appointments, celebrations…

This is also a very big disappointment for me. Celebrations that we will now have to celebrate virtually. Our family has always been about family dinners, celebrating birthdays and holidays. Today we would have celebrated Kelsey’s birthday, if we could. Its these moments that I miss so dearly. Shopping in the grocery store seeing the hams, even some lamb, the easter things. It hurt. Very conflicted feelings, which I think is why I ended up feeling worse. It hurts that we cannot get together, its also important that we not get together. That’s where I am conflicted.

Easter will still be a wonderful weekend with us and our kids. Not the new normal, just for this year. Perhaps even be able to “see” everyone virtually might be an option as well. The next time we see each other physically, it will mean even more. My reasoning for taking photos at family events, much more strengthened in my heart and soul.

Being a futuristic person, it can be challenging for me to be completely in the now, without moving into the future. This has proven even more challenging with the effects of Covid-19 on our business with even more restrictions but still providing emergency service for customers. Going through a screening process, even denying some, that plays on your emotions too.

Seeing conspiracy theory beliefs online, various people doing their own reporting etc. Ive been trying really hard to be positive. To allow myself the downtime and rest when I need it. To not be hard on myself if I just don’t have it in me to declutter the office (filing and organizing a massive pile) – yes it would make me feel so much better in the end, I just cannot get the motivation to get started today, especially after the grocery store. These theories and beliefs are exhausting. What I have seen is the people with these belief’s, are doing as they please, which goes against staying at home and physically distancing. Many are in the US. The numbers are also, perhaps coincidentally, skyrocketing… Am I a huge fan of the government, no. Do I listen to the news regularly, only recently. Am I extremely religious, no – I have my beliefs and choose to be non-denominational.

As much as this is an inconvenience, this IS happening. We have exhausted nurses and doctors. All that is being asked of you is to stay home. Simply refusing to distance and stay home, all that does is put everyone at even more risk. Ive been working so hard to be upbeat and positive, this however pisses me right off. Hearing of someone encourage others to go reach out to people and hug them, or that we are all essentially getting brain washed by the government.

As someone who is involved in the daily operation of a business, with employees – why would the government purposely want the majority of businesses in the world be shut down?! The government earns money from its people. Its exhausting to people, like me, who are hands on involved in a business, is also a wife and mother. Its not just about me. Its not just about you. Its about all of us collectively.

I left the grocery store and was driving home, which isn’t that far and suddenly began crying. Seeing the physical distance between people, the face masks, gloves, some bare shelves, mentally asking myself over and over again if I should be getting more of this or that. It felt good to cry. Which I waited to do at home after bringing the groceries in. Looking at the bins on the floor, thinking about how after I touch the baskets and foods I have to immediately wash my hands as well as wash everything down. Really not a bad habit to get into, we all could avoid a lot less “bugs” if we were a bit more conscious about this. Removing things from packing and properly disposing – recycling when applicable and storing in food storage containers, helping them to last longer!

My trip to the grocery store in total from leaving home to getting the groceries put away would have been about 3 hours. 3 hours of my time, which was also emotionally draining, especially for an empath. Kudos to the grocery sore, both of ours in town have been wonderful at encouraging distancing and also updating stock. I am happy to see limits on things now, as unfortunately there are hoarders who are literally buying all they can of a few things – which for some strange reason has been toilet paper, as well as cleaning wipes and sprays – that I can understand. We all need to be prepared, however the government has also said they want to keep food moving, people need to eat.

The more we work together, the sooner we will all heal through this. Its an opportunity to feel these types of emotions and learn to actually begin processing them vs putting on the shelf for later. For everyone of all ages, if you are “bored” – why? What could you do? If you have feelings like I experienced at the grocery store, why is that? I know for me its mainly because I am a mom, I know we have a family to feed so I want to be prepared, but then I get way far ahead of myself and think but how much do we need, what if I dont get enough, what if we are suddenly locked down like Italy. Its also a very visual reminder seeing and just being out in public. Very realistic measures that have been helping in Canada, that can still feel sad even though they are helping. A reminder that its all in divine timing.

Part of these emotions are most likely fueled by the additions. Which divine timing is a huge part of. We had tabled the addition for the year, had the foundations installed to suffice the township, let our framer know and went with the flow, knew that it most likely would happen in the spring but were open to shifting. We shifted big time, what I thought at the time being a big stressor, has actually been a blessing. In this moment though, we have another couple significant things happening in the next 1-4 weeks that has me both excited and also apprehensive.

Tonight, as a family we came together in the kitchen. I admit I didn’t do much after groceries. So when my husband and son were prepping for dinner, I cleaned up and did some dishes. My husband cooked while my daughter made some apple crisp for dinner! A great way to end our day and weekend by reframing my mind!