Parenting Without Expectations

A couple months ago I came across a video of Oprah and Dr Shefali. It began playing after a video I had chosen to watch. It was a thought provoking, inspiring, revolutionary video. So much in fact that after I listened to it that day at lunch, I listened again in the evening and again when I came across another one of her posts this morning.

The very first thing that jumped out at me was when Dr Shefali stated… “Parenting without expectations…” .

She and Oprah talked about how we when feel challenged we need to think of it as an opportunity for our own revolution. To help parents reclaim their lost selves so that they can meet the spirit of the child, who is whole, complete and abundant.

Parenting does not have to be hard. However when we have lost the joy in parenting – it does become hard. So many parents themselves feel uncomplete, not worthy, lesser than or broken and yet have not touched on their own inner sense of empowerment and worth.

How can we raise our children to their greatest expression if we haven’t found our own <– TRUTH!!!

As a parent Dr Shefali recommends that we no longer see our children as an extention of who we are because when we do that we unleash our own emotional baggage (that we didn’t properly deal with) onto our children, unknown to them!

Being conscious – moment to moment basis – is being authentic to our true selves. If we do not then the ego enters – the parenting paradigm, as Dr Shefali explains, is set up for the most boost (for the parent) to their ego… “my child” as a possession.

I love how Dr Shefali explains, the universe gives you children, yes they are you’rs however they are not you – they are their own person.

Children can allow us, as parents, so much spiritual growth – IF we are open to it! Go deep within yourself to reclaim your lost self – you had it once.

Dr Shefali explains that many parents have “drank the parenting koolaide” and by this she explains all the myths of parenting and how fear then begins to rule the relationship and how it turns out – this however is not fear of the child it is fear of our own destiny.

We had children to fulfill something within ourself.

Oprah added in… Let go of expectations you have for your child. The problem is society and culture says we can put our expectations on our children and thats ok – however its not ok because this then becomes control.

Parents need to be consciously aware of every choice they make and what they put on their child.

As a parent we can open the door, however we need to instill in our children that THEY have the choice to walk through the door.

Kids are themselves. The state of childhood is what many adults cannot do – living in the present even if that means being messy or getting dirty. This also contributes to children being labeled, which when people label children as “busy”, “bad”, “unable to do…” this is merely for control. When adults think they have no control, children are labeled more. Do away with labels of good/bad and otherwise. Work and connect with the child and follow their lead without any influence from their parent.

Parenting Myth’s by Dr Shefali

  1. Parenting we have been told is about raising the child.
    You cannot raise a child until you, yourself has been parented and you raise yourself to your highest evolution. We put lack on children that we feel we are lacking in our life. Allow the child to develop to their highest good what their spirit needs. Parenting is not selfless. The driving force to have a child comes from something within you to complete. Culture is not outside of us. Parenting is not about the child – its about you! Raise yourself first. Aspire for your child to be who THEY are – not you! Then you will be attuned to your child and make space for the spirit of your child to unfold.  (20min)
  2. A successful child is ahead of the curve.   
    School… sports – cranking the pressure – the mad delusion we are doing this for our child is the mad success WE feel as parents that our children need – purpose, happiness etc. You are pushing the child further from their authentic self into a world of “doing” vs “being”.
    Will my child fall behind if we allow them to BE a child vs pushing them to do this and that etc…  (21min) Its creating anxiety in our society for the parents and children. When we think we have control we project lack onto our children.
  3. Good parents are naturals.
    “God gave these children to me, so I am the expert, I don’t need to be told, I know whats right I don’t need anyone to tell me, its my child I tell them what to do and they do what I want.” Is the belief of many parents. The universe sends this being to you to reacquaint to what it is being a child yourself, to enter the present moment and enter your full on presence. The more children you have does not mean they are coming to you because you are a powerful being, they are coming to you to teach you what you need to learn… We don’t have power over any other being in our life – especially our children. They are their own individual selves. Society says – this is your child so you know your child and can do with it what you want. This however is the delusion many parents believe because they want the “power”. We need to invite parents into the moment of presence.

    Love your kid a bit less, because the love is messing them up.
    Raise a child who is firmly rooted in who THEY are !
  4. A good parent is a loving one.
    All you need is love… we have alot of messed up kids from great families. Love is blind. Its not unconditional, you are so consumed by feeling the need to feel loved back – for you! Love without consciousness becomes need, dependency, control in the name of love – that’s not healthy “but I love you”, I do this because I love you. Spend ridiculous amounts of money on kids isn’t showing them love. Loving consciously is not expecting anything back. Parenting becomes easier and a part of who you are, gracefully move into it vs pushing against or trying to prove something. We are making it harder on ourselves. We aren’t opening the door to our own freedom! It takes time to be an involved parent… so many people (society) says who has time… let go of your ego, the “should have”, and surrender. Our children are teaching us. It’s the most profound and easy invitation – understand in these terms. A moment by moment presence. Parenting can become a part of who you are, when you are in the flow with your child vs trying to prove something and hold the “control”. Let go of the script of what you think your child needs to be or do and enter the child’s as is.

    “Love without consciousness becomes need, dependency and control.” Shefali Tsabary
  5. Parenting is about raising a happy child.
    Our children don’t need to become happy, life is to be experienced as it presents itself. Engagement with life is happiness – fully engagement.  The pursuit of happiness – makes people think its their “right” to be happy. It is our sacred obligation to teach our children not to run away from life as it is, if they are upset about a friend and being rejected, teach them about rejection and loving themselves. Many people were taught to split from or ignore pain but not to enter or acknowledge it. When our child is upset we get anxious and we want to fix everything for them. Allow children to FEEL their feelings – the parent is not the one to be in control of this. Teaching children this is pivotal. There is no ownership for our children’s spirit, they are their own authentic self. We need to nurture our children to be who THEY are – not who we are or who we want them to be. Parents thinking they need to be in complete control is an uber myth.

What is the role of the parent – the true job of the parent…

  1. Commit to a moment to moment basis. What of this is from my own self or my own unresolved issues. What does this moment reflect about me? We can choose to go inward or we go outward and this is when it is projected with control.
  2. You have control over the conditions you create in your home. For example screen time for kids – you as the parent can instill healthy limits and boundaries for screen time for your child.

Children are given to us from the universe to bring ourselves as parents to a heightened level of consciousness. Children are here to make us a better, more conscious being – IF we are open to that. For children then to become their highest self as well.


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