Where Our Path Leads Us… I Am The Architect of My Life! 💕

Our emotional and physical health can sometimes feel like it’s taking over every part of our life when we don’t feel good… Emotional scars can feel like weights preventing you from living your true potential. I know and understand.  

Be easy on yourself.  We all have a journey that we are on, each and everyone of us are different. Take the time you need to heal and if I can offer one piece of advice, always find 1 good thing in your life that happened each day! 

Did you know one of the most common symptoms of PCOS is depression. I’ve been there, I’ve felt it, Thankfully, I’ve broken through! 

Feeling lost in the Healthcare system and just another statistic. You CAN take control of your health and BE exactly who you want to be! For me, then all I wanted more than anything was to be a mom. 

12 years ago I was that woman dealing with the horrible physical and emotional pain of infertility. Unfortunately my emotional scars are much deeper than that. 

I was blessed two fold after infertility treatments with our son and surprisingly less than 18 months later with our daughter. The pain of infertility is absolutely scarring, the fear of ‘never being a mom’ still brings me to tears today… but now for a much better reason. Because I conquered the fear! 

I used to hate my journey, I used to hold alot of anger and questions why. Infertility is not for the weak of hearts, it’s trying, challenging and tests every inch of your being and your marriage. Emotionally you feel about 2 inches tall. It brings past pain and scars screaming to the surface. My friends who were getting pregnant weren’t having any issues, some without even trying, so why me? Why did I have to go through this? 

After our son was born I remember saying to my hubby, I can’t do it again if it happens great, but I can’t “try” for a second baby. You know what… in that moment God was listening. I always joke that after the pain we went through, our daughter was his surprise blessing so I did not have to endure that emotional pain of “trying again”. 

But it wasn’t easy… Having my two beautiful children was a dream come true, however I was now raising our babies while still quietly pushing aside years of emotional pain and scars. 

After meeting my husband I joked with him that he saved me, because in that moment he really did. That weekend I met him, literally completely changed my life and I thank god. From a past that had been emotionally unhealthy for a lot of years. A past that was shaping who I was and it was not the best “me”. A past that I had a hard time processing of why would anyone treat someone like this… It was a struggle some days with my (now) husband to be ok with opening up, to trust that he was not going to use or hurt me and that I was worth being loved and treated with respect. There were many days I pushed back, not feeling worthy of being loved, happy and successful. Almost testing to see if he really did love me and if he would still be there as my lover and friend. 

That monkey on my back being so used to “life before”. Years of being emotionally beat down and struggling in many areas of my life. SO many times wanting to run away, wanting a fresh start. I simply wanted to be understood, loved and respected, to be told “It’s OK I’m here”. 

Our also marriage hasn’t been easy, dealing with my own absolutely raw emotional pain,  we were tested early in our relationship, in the months leading to our marriage, over a year of infertility and even years after. 

While dating, I secretly went to therapy, knowing I needed to get control of “this” if I wanted “our” future to be bright, but also not wanting to “scare” him away from all my past shit I had to deal with. He knew I was hurting, he was one of the only ones who knew the details of how much I was hurting, but it still took me time to admit I needed help. Years after becoming parents we took a step forward into therapy, together. Once again, for me it felt like I was taking a leap, it was stirring up a lot of past hurt and emotional scars. 

It’s taken time even through all these years to KNOW within my heart and soul that I DESERVE love and respect and in all honesty, I am the only one who can make that happen.

What I’ve learned in life and in dealing through this baggage is you have to do what’s right for YOU. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or does. Even if you feel completely alone and it feels like you have zero understanding, compassion or respect – keep going! I used to blame myself, make excuses and really and truly left myself open and attracted in more negativity, hurt and disappointment. 

The way someone treats you is a direct reflection of THEM. How you react is your Karma, how they treat you is theirs.

I honestly struggled with this for years. Wanting to make the truth in many instances, be known, but also just wanting all those emotional scars to just disappear. I now know that as long as I know the truth and am content and happy in MY life now – that is all that matters. What happened in the past is in the past and I deserve to be loved and respected for who I am. 

Being a mom to both a son and daughter I want them to know strength. I want them to know how to be emotionally strong and happy. I want them to know love and respect for themselves, for each other, for others in their lives. I want them both to respect other men and women both in friendship and relationships. 

“What you put out into the world comes back.” I used to focus on this and find reasons for why I was hurt and what I did to deserve this. I didn’t. I didnt deserve to be treated that way, i just wasnt atrong enough to know it. “Everything happens for a reason.” Another I full heartedly believe but also one that makes me question so much.  Anything negative that happens in life is an opportunity for growth. I have an opportunity to be open with my children the importance of being true to YOU! 

Just over 5 years ago began MY journey of being true to ME! True to the change I knew I needed in my life. It takes time, it’s takes patience, it takes a lot of understanding and being open to facing those scars of the past to become stronger and healthier! 

Today is another new step in my journey. Beginning with a new experience to help clear these past negative energies. 

I am open, I am excited and I am ready! Sometimes where our path leads us isn’t where we want to be, so we must take control to redirect and shape the life we know we deserve! 💗

I am the architect of my life! 💕

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