The war within a mother

For most of us, when we become a mother, there is nothing that is first and foremost in our mind than our kids and family. Everything we do relates around them. From what time we get up in the morning, when cleaning will be done or how often, laundry, groceries, what a mother can and cannot do within that day to even time we take, or do not take for ourselves.

As a mother we put so much pressure on ourselves to do it all. To be the responsible mom, obvioulsy with the essentials of food, shelter and clothing. But also financially when dealing with a family budget – bill paying, groceries, kids sports, school, pets etc… As much as we as mothers all need “our” time, its easier to give ourselves a time out rather than actually trying to plan time out of the home away from the children for ourselves.

I know in my life, I love my kids, I love them more than anything and never ever regret anything about being a mother, I would do it over in a second – well without the pain involved during my entire pregnancy lol. Yet there is always an ongoing battle within myself on days I just feel exhausted or mornings they were tired and it took much more time, patience and effort on my part to get them going and dropped off. Or during pick up and they are hyped up from playing with their friends and the wall and I have a great discussion… lol

My husband has always been a very hands on dad, sure at times I do have to gently remind him of things ;P but I would be lying if I said he wasn’t, he certainly is and is a god send when I do need a break.

But having a hands on father and husband doesn’t seem to change this war that goes on inside a mother. Instinctively we protect and care for, we rarely put ourselves before our kids and family and even when we are run down and wanting to just run away and take a break this war begins within ourselves of what if, should I, can I spend this on just me? Not even to mention something material we want/need/desire.

My husband has been encouraging me to make a purchase on something I have been waiting for, for a couple years, in fact he went on and on and on last night praising me of why he thinks I deserve it and “need” it. I love that, but of course it makes that war within me even more. Yes I know I deserve it but can I “justify” it.

Yes it is photography related and a piece of equipment I have been saving for, for a long time now. Its pulling the trigger that is so hard, its justifying every aspect of it. To then hear him go on and on about how “wicked” a photo is that I am showing him, that he is “in love with it”, “it shows action, the colour is amazing, its like its 3D”, then I give him more of a photography lesson of what I did to achieve that, he looks at one image and says “ok what did you do to this to make it this way” hes talking about how I focused on our kids and everything around them is slightly blurred out of focus. After hearing him go on and on, I simply say “ok what are you saying” lol, he looks at me and says “its amazing I love it” – from him this is a very heart warming, amazing compliment.

When I ordered our large piece of art on canvas – our fall family photo, again I debated and debated and then finally pulled the trigger. My hubby knew how excited I was to get it and hang it on our living room wall proudly. It was after this piece arrived and he hung it on our wall that it actually gave him a tangible appreciation for my passion and talent, he went on and on about why he loves this photo on canvas and since then actually has a new appreciation and enjoyment for my passion of photography.

As a wife and mom, to me this was huge! Not only did he reach a new appreciation for my passion, as he also said meeting our tiny new niece reminded him when our children were born and just how much more happy he is that I did capture all the moments from in my belly until now.

Both of these moments have not only prompted more discussion between us with my photography and what I did to achieve this etc – lol funny story with one photo he straight up said ok what did you do to this to get it to look like that” which resulted in a discussion about bokeh and aperture 😉 I love shooting wide open which is why I have very fast and fixed aperture lenses. This photo he was commenting on was the one of our kids in the field in black and white, this will be my next one on canvas without a doubt!

With all the time a mother puts into her family its nice to finally reach a point where its “ok” to put myself first for a slight moment and know that its a good decision! I am a hard working wife + mom so its now my turn to enjoy the fruits of my labour – guilt free! Most importantly though knowing their needs are met before I worry about mine.

Yes as a mother there are moments that I miss holding them as a wee baby, however with each moment, each day that passes by and them as children, we as a family experience all these new moments and stages in life that makes me happy and proud as a mom of where we have been and where we are going. Everything worth doing in life will always take work, if it didn’t we certainly wouldn’t appreciate our time together with our family, friends and the things we have worked so hard to achieve!

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